Life is not going the way I thought it would. This year started off great. I had the man of my dreams, the greatest friends a girl could ask for, and a wonderful job. Now I have to sit back and watch everything crash all around me. I lost the love of my life. I am slowly pushing friends away. And my job is teetering on being non-existent. How can things go from fabulous to effed up in 3 months time? I'm still trying to grasp it all.
I have been reevaluating my choice in friends. Some people are just using me. I don't want to be that person that you only call on when no one else answers your calls. I deserve more than that. I am not a toy. I am a human being with feelings, emotions, cares, concerns. If you aren't ready for a real friendship, then in the words of the American legend Donald Trump, "You're Fired!" We are adults now, and we should behave like adults. I am now realizing who my true friends are. Sadly, not many people fall into that category.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Won't You Come Over Love?
I'm such a hopeless romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I fall fast and hard.
And I wouldn't change any of that.
Have you ever seen the movie "Down to You"? I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but movies like that cause me to believe in love. The kind of love that is awesomely perfect, never ending, good to the last drop. The kind of love that I aspire to have.
It hurts so much to wait on love. But it is the price one has to pay for true love. It can't be rushed or hurried.
Luckily, I'm patient ;-)
And I wouldn't change any of that.
Have you ever seen the movie "Down to You"? I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but movies like that cause me to believe in love. The kind of love that is awesomely perfect, never ending, good to the last drop. The kind of love that I aspire to have.
It hurts so much to wait on love. But it is the price one has to pay for true love. It can't be rushed or hurried.
Luckily, I'm patient ;-)
Monday, March 16, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Insomniac Chronicles Volume 1, Issue 1
Its after 1am and I am wide awake...as if I don't have to wake up at 6am to get ready for work. I haven't been able to sleep for the past few weeks. I have an idea why, I just don't want to admit that there is a problem. I don't want to think that I actually miss the man who broke my heart; not once, but twice in the last 6 months. I want to believe that I am over him. That I don't sit in bed at night wondering what (or who) he's doing...wanting to call just to hear his voice...yearning for his touch. I want to believe that he is in my past, never to be thought of again.
Too bad that's not going to happen.
I know that life shouldn't revolve around some guy, but that's just how it is sometimes. I am at the age where all of my friends are getting married (or are already married), have children, houses, careers. They have the total package. I'm not trying to rush things, it just seems like it should be my turn already. Not trying to toot my own horn, but I'm a decent catch. I just refuse to settle. I will not be disrespected, mistreated, unloved, or made to feel unpretty.
Is it too much to ask for to be held at night? to stay in on a Saturday night and enjoy each others company instead of hanging out at some hot, crowded night club? to end the night with a simple forehead kiss before falling asleep in his arms? to have a man who loves me when every fiber of his being?
Maybe it is. Perhaps I am looking for something that doesn't exist.
Too bad that's not going to happen.
I know that life shouldn't revolve around some guy, but that's just how it is sometimes. I am at the age where all of my friends are getting married (or are already married), have children, houses, careers. They have the total package. I'm not trying to rush things, it just seems like it should be my turn already. Not trying to toot my own horn, but I'm a decent catch. I just refuse to settle. I will not be disrespected, mistreated, unloved, or made to feel unpretty.
Is it too much to ask for to be held at night? to stay in on a Saturday night and enjoy each others company instead of hanging out at some hot, crowded night club? to end the night with a simple forehead kiss before falling asleep in his arms? to have a man who loves me when every fiber of his being?
Maybe it is. Perhaps I am looking for something that doesn't exist.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Riding On The Freeway Of Love In My Pink Prius
My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. My sister and I would spend our summers and every other holiday with my father. Most of the time, he was living in Atlanta, GA. Every trip from Chattanooga to Atlanta was awesome. I love the interstate system in Atlanta. I would fall asleep on the way down and my sister would always wake me just when we were entering downtown. I would look out the window at all of the overpasses and what seemed to be a confusing mess was actually an organized system. As a child, complexity amazed me.
Fast forward 20 years...
I still seek complexity in my life. The more difficult a task, the better. I thought I would eventually grow out of it, maybe it was some kind of phase...I can't have a simple friendship or a simple relationship. It has to be as complex as the interstates I grew to love.
My life is full of bridges, curves, overpasses, exits, entrances, construction zones, and occasionally some inclement weather and a few fender benders. But I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. Life shouldn't be easy, and it shouldn't be too hard either. It should just be life. Life is full of "what ifs"...I enjoy saying "why not"! I am living in this moment. Life is not what happens in the past-that moment is gone. Nor is it what happens in the future-the future is not promised. Life really isn't what happens in the present either. Life is what happens at this moment. No matter how confusing my life may look, every moment is an organized surprise!
Fast forward 20 years...
I still seek complexity in my life. The more difficult a task, the better. I thought I would eventually grow out of it, maybe it was some kind of phase...I can't have a simple friendship or a simple relationship. It has to be as complex as the interstates I grew to love.
My life is full of bridges, curves, overpasses, exits, entrances, construction zones, and occasionally some inclement weather and a few fender benders. But I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. Life shouldn't be easy, and it shouldn't be too hard either. It should just be life. Life is full of "what ifs"...I enjoy saying "why not"! I am living in this moment. Life is not what happens in the past-that moment is gone. Nor is it what happens in the future-the future is not promised. Life really isn't what happens in the present either. Life is what happens at this moment. No matter how confusing my life may look, every moment is an organized surprise!
This is Me-Rayven Victori
1. I don't miss you, I miss who I thought you were.
2. You really need to get your life together. Be someone that others can look up to...
3. You are so fake. I wish you could just be honest with yourself. You are not all of that...actually, you suck in life.
4. You are so much fun! We have great conversation, but you are NOT boyfriend material.
5. I really don't like you. I though I made that clear a long time ago. Please stop calling/texting/emailing me! Thanks!
6. I thought you were someone I could trust, but you proved me wrong.
7. I think you are amazing. Pretty darn close to perfect!
8. When I look into your eyes, I melt. When I see your smile, I get butterflies in my stomach.
9. I believe in you more than you believe in yourself.
10. I was angry when you moved away, but now I am so glad that you did! You're a STAR!!!
9 THINGS ABOUT ME
1. I absolutely LOVE Caucasian/Latino/Italian/A
2. I think I'm afraid of growing up. (too late)
3. I once loved someone I couldn't have. Sad thing is, he loved me too.
4. I miss my 18 year old body.
5. I'm afraid of crickets and butterflies.
6. I love my natural hair, but sometimes I want to see it straightened.
7. I detest people who refuse to further their education. Get a trade or something. Don't just stop after high school.
8. I am madly in LIKE with _____! He is awesome!
9. I love talking to strangers and shy people. I love to get people out of their shells. So yes, I will talk to ANYONE!
8 WAYS TO WIN MY FRIENDSHIP
1. Honesty: Don't lie to me and think we will still have a friendship. Major deal breaker!!
2. Have a sense of humor. Make me laugh, please and thank you...I'm sure I'll do the same ;-)
3. Don't be afraid of what's real.
4. Intelligence: I appreciate good conversations, but don't just regurgitate what the media says. Have your own opinion.
5. Trustworthy: I refuse to have a friend that I can't trust.
6. Commitment: Not to me, but to anything-school, religion, career, life in general. Be able to commit to what you believe in.
7. Imperfection: No one is perfect, so don't try to convince me that you are.
8. Hugs: I love hugs, enough said.
7 THINGS THAT CROSS MY MIND
1. Why are my patients curious about my political views?
2. Why are you constantly wanting to know what is going on in my life? Do you have a life or are you living vicariously through mine?
3. Is it wrong that I am reading "Everyday Zen" for the 3rd time?
4. Why do certain people hate that I am trying to better myself?
5. I am excited about having children, but want to do so before I turn 30. Is that too much pressure?
6. I want to know true love before I turn 25.
7. I turned 25 in December.
6 THINGS I DO BEFORE BED
1. Twist my hair.
2. Dance and sing in the mirror.
3. Shower (I'm addicted-sometimes 3 a day, but always 2)
4. Homework/Study
5. Facebook/Myspace/Blogger/T
6. Thank God
5 PEOPLE WHO MEAN THE WORLD TO ME
1. Parents (Lady B and Chuck)
2. "Blaine" (I miss you more than you will ever know- I'll see you one sweet day)
3. Family (somewhat crazy, but full of love)
4. Friends (Jermaine and Thomas-BFFFs)
5. {insert your name here}
4 THINGS I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Jeans
2. Burnt Orange shirt
3. Kitten heels
4. A smile
3 SONGS I LISTEN TO OFTEN
1. Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood-Algebra Blessett
2. Mystery of Iniquity-Lauryn Hill
3. As-Stevie Wonder
2 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Live every moment as if its my last.
2. Love a man with all of my heart and soul (and for him to love me in return)
1 CONFESSION
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am not afraid to express my feelings and I always say what's on my mind. Tomorrow is not promised, so I want to let the world know how I feel today!
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