Code 10! Man Down Situation! Twitter EPIC FAIL!

Today should be the first day of my wonderful 4 day mini vacay. I should be enjoying the day, resting, relaxing, catching up with friends. But instead I am completely discombobulated. Every morning, before I even get out of bed, I update my Twitter. I wish a good day to all of my followers and the rest of the TwitterVerse. I catch up on all of the tweets I missed while I was sleeping. I look at the current trending topics and if necessary, add my own daily hashtag in hopes that it will become a trending topic.

I was saddened and confused to see that Twitter was down this morning. I wasn't sure if I should cry or peter pan off of my 3rd story balcony. Where were my friends? Where were my updates? In the words of Young Kanye (@twestfield) "Who would I share my random thoughts with?" Heaven forbid I actually pick up the phone and contact my "twiends". Who would LoL at my pointless observations? Who would share vids and news stories with me that would otherwise be lost in the land of interwebz? What ever shall I do?!?!

I am unable to move from this spot. It is almost as if someone killed 112 of my closest friends. This is surreal. I can not do anything without tweeting. Forget needing something tangible, I just need something visual. I'll even take a glimpse of the fail whale over a blank screen.

Twitter we need you. A few hours down has all of us lost and confused. Whatever shall we do?

I'm Always Here..

Have you ever had a friend that always seemed to busy to hang out, chit chat, return calls, or even respond to a simple text message asking them if they were still alive? I have a few friends like that. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that people are busy and have their own lives to live. But it amazes me how one friend never has time to talk unless I'm talking about going to the club. What kind of friendship is that?

I have another friend who is unhappily married with a child. He works an insane number of hours due to being in the medical profession, yet whenever he realizes too much time has gone by, he sends me a text or calls to let me know he's okay. I wouldn't say that I'm a worry-er, I just like to know that those nearest and dearest to me are being taken care of...darn maternal instincts.

I have one friend, an ex, who actually left my life for a few months just to get himself together. He didn't understand how I could always be there for him despite the way he treated me in the past. It was precisely at that moment that I realized I had been given an amazing gift. I may not be the smartest nursing student or the best pharmacy technician. I can't run a marathon or bike the Tour de France. But I can be an understanding friend. I can be a hugger, a shoulder to lean on, a person to share laughs (and tears) with. I am a friend. No matter what someone may put me through, I understand the meaning of true friendship.

At the end of the day, I'm the friend who is always there no matter what.

It's Never Too Late Or Too Early to Be Who You Want To Be

Hello Loves! I know I've been out of sight for a while, but I'm back now. I had a lot of stuff going on with work, school, living arrangements, family stuff, and medical problems. My spirit has been recharged and I am ready to face the world again.

I am looking forward to Friday. I have an awesome new apt w/ an awesome new roomie. This will provide me with an opportunity to learn what it's like to share and compromise. 'Cause Lord knows that I don't do either of those well. I am hoping and wishing this works out because he is definitely someone I would love to keep around. Our personalities mesh and we're both going through life jumping the hurdles as they come. My hopes for our future:family forever. I hope that Tiki becomes the brother I never had.

In other news, the job hunt isn't going well. I refuse to give up. Patience and faith. When the perfect job comes along, I'll be ready. Until then, nursing school will be my life. I'm more determined now than I have been my entire life.

I've missed you guys sooo much. I'm back and ready to face the challenges of today. Remember, it's never too late or too early to be who you want to be. Life is full of "todays"; make this one count.

xOxO
Big hugs,little kisses my Loves!

The B-A-N Must Cease

This week has been trying on my soul. Lawd knows I didn't want to tell these people how I really felt, but I was darn close to saying "eff it". The only thing that kept me sane was the fact that I have bills, and the clock in job allows me to enjoy the luxuries of the glamorous life. Had it not been for Comcast, AT&T, and Miss Land Lady wanting their money, I would have told that biznitch where she could put her disciplinary action!!

Woosah...

Okay, I'm back.

And in desperate need of a new job ASAHFP!! If you don't know what that means, use your imagination...educate yourselves because I can't do it right now. Anyhoo, I am sick and tired of snitches, biznitches, hitches (hating biznitches). It is 2009, snitching went out of style with the Atari and Jheri Curls. Please find something new. Hating, much like stripping, is an appreciated art form when it's done tastefully. But please do not hate on me because you don't have your degree. I'm not holding you back, nor am I telling you to be a complete and total dummy. I am looking out for myself. To be brutally honest with you, I don't really care what you do with your life...as long as it doesn't involve or directly affect me. I spend at least 40 hours per week at the clock in job...and those 40 hours have become total misery. I wanted to go see "Drag Me to Hell" tonight, but then remember that I spend Monday through Friday there already, so why watch a movie about it?

I don't mean to come across as harsh or crude. I just need to get away from the nonsense that plagues my current surroundings. I am willing to drop everything to find a new job...even school. I am not against transferring to another nursing program if it means I will be able to work in an environment filled with people who are willing to work. Making friends at a job should never be one's priority. That is the problem with working in a small, close knit group. The employees begin to think they should become friends, hang out, braid each others hair while roasting marshmallows over a campfire and sing "Kumbaya". That is not healthy. Work relationships should be just that...work relationships. Nothing more, nothing less. Now get your hands out of my hair, I don't want any smores, and you're singing is a little off key!

Again...woosah.

Okay. I'm back.

Please say an extra special prayer for me as I begin to set a budget for the first time, live as frugally as possible, and search for a new job away from this city. I have finally had enough.

Coal=Profit Over People

I am an activist at heart, but ironically my job doesn't give me the freedom required to fight injustice. My hero/sister was arrested for protesting the Mountain Top Removal. The Mountain Justice Activists chained themselves to one of the trucks with a sign that read, "Never Again". Never again will we allow them to destroy another mountain. Never again will we allow them to destroy another stream. Never again will we allow them to destroy another forest. Never again. Never again.



How can you help? I'm glad you asked that question...

PLEASE FORWARD THIS ON ALL MYSPACES, FACEBOOKS, LISTSERVS, BlOGS, TWITTERS, WORD OF MOUTH, & EMAILS.

Everyone, two teams just got arrested (or are in the process of getting arrested) for non violent civil disobedience against MTR here in WVA. More info below. A third group is preparing to cross the line against strip mining as I type. We need your help.

WE NEED BAIL MONEY.

We can get loans based on your pledges. We have paypal, POB--we need help to get our mountainhuggers out of jail for some kick ass actions!

If you can make a pledge please call

(304) 854 1937

PAYPAL at
http://www.mountainjusticesummer.org/

EMAIL matt@energyjustice.net

Send checks to POB 86 Naoma WVA, 25140

07:30- Six Mountain Justice activists are locked down to equipment on the Kayford mine site owned by Patriot Mining Company with a banner: "Never again!" They're joined by two support people and an independent photojournalist. A second team has deployed a banner on the Brushy Fork Impoundment that says "West Virginia says no more toxic sludge! The Picket at Pettus is still scheduled for noon today at Pettus, W.Va.--the mouth of Marfork Hollow.

Facebook FAIL!!! (PSA 1)

Have you ever been involved in any Facebook drama? Has a comment made on your wall sparked debates from people you don't even talk to in the real world?

I took a mini vacay this past weekend and came home to pages upon pages of news feed updates, messages, and notifications. Halfway through the list I came across what seemed to be mutual friends arguing back and forth about one's fidelity, or lack thereof, based solely on tagged pics. Is this how our generation handles problems? Instead of taking it to the streets or having a dance off, we must resort to defaming one's character on FB. I guess I love it.

Our social generation is one that embraces change yet opposes it at the same time. If I am forced to hear about the changes on Facebook/Myspace/Youtube one more time, I swear I'm going to choke a biznitch!

To keep the drama down to a minimum, I have a few tips:
1. Learn how to set your profile privacy settings. I don't think your boss will enjoy your status updates when you call out of work "sick". And those pics of you doing a keg stand won't give mom those warm fuzzy feelings while you're away at college.
2. Understand what a wall post is. It is NOT a place to broadcast your life to the world. It is NOT a place to post personal, private information. It is NOT the place to embarrass a "friend". Keep it simple-hi, bye, and happy birthday.
3. Choose profile pics wisely...and monitor tagged photos. You don't want to have a Phelps or Cassie type photo scandal, do you?

One day we'll have to step up and say, "Eff Myspace 'cause I need my space" and tell Facebook "I want my face back!"...

Until that day, be wise my friends.

Pastor Beaten by Cops

Blogs and You Tube channels are ablaze with accounts of the events that unfolded when a pastor refused to submit to an unreasonable search from the US Border Patrol. After hearing all sides of the story, I started to wonder what I would do in that situation. I have completely dissected the 4th Amendment and have yet to come across a passage that gives police officials the right to be complete and total jackholes.

My parents often worry about me driving home late at night. My daily commute to the "clock in" job requires me to travel through 2 cities. One of which has a police force that is over staffed and under stimulated. They often find any reason to harass residents and passersby alike. I've always said that if pulled over, I would do whatever the officials requested. After seeing what happened to this pastor, I am almost positive that I would not submit to any unreasonable search. Looking at the pastor, I saw myself. Someone has to stand up to these officers who believe they are justified in treating human beings as animals by misinterpreting the 4th Amendment.

I'm anxiously anticipating being pulled over by the cops. Much like the pastor, I carry my camera with me everywhere I go. It is time to stand up to these bad cops, which here lately seem to outnumber the good ones.

Give Me The Ocean I'll Supply The Buoys

I think the time has come to bid adieu to Tennessee. I've always loved the water, which is why I live on the Tennessee River right now. But here lately, the river has not been enough to satisfy me. I am contemplating a major move to California. I'm torn because I know my family won't be able to visit me often. I have friends out there, but sometimes there are situations and circumstances that require the love and support that only family can provide. I thought about maybe just moving out there for 3 months since I'm not going to summer school...I just don't know.

California has been tugging at my heart for a few years now, and honestly, I should have moved out there a long time ago. I sometimes over think a situation to the point of obscurity. I want to be more impulsive. I am 25 years old and I can't really think of anything I've done that was completely impulsive, reckless, and fun. I need to live. Not only for my sake, but for the sake of my future mate and children. I don't want to turn 40 and realize that there are so many things I haven't accomplished or tried. I plan to post a 101 countdown blog of 101 things I plan to do in the next 3 years.

I need to define my life...in more than words and pictures. I need to define my life through actions.

To Aaron(maddsketch)

You are perfectly imperfect
but I love you still.
You inspire me with every stoke of your brush
and every movement of your pen.
You brighten my gloomiest days
with a simple smile.
Your eyes shine brighter than
any constellation.

No matter what you are going through, please know that I am praying for you.
You are a pure soul, and everything you touch turns to platinum. Don't be discouraged; with awesomeness flowing through your veins and determination in your heart, you are destined for greatness.

To know that you are having a bad day sends chills up my spine. You deserve happiness. My only wish is that you can see the Aaron that I see everyday...through every creative blog post and Twitter update. You are amazingly awesome...and completely loved. Success is a ladder and I support you every step of the way.

I wasn't there for step 1, but trust me...I loved you then and I love you still.

Be encouraged.

Hopeless Romantic

I gotta whole lot of love and I don't want to give it to you.

Where is my blog going? I started this blog to share my life with the world. The hectic life of a full time CPhT, nursing student, marketing/PR specialist, single girl in a small lake town with big dreams. Somewhere in the chaos, my thoughts became focused on the "single" part and forgot about the rest. I can't fight it though. I am a self proclaimed hopeless romantic. I love love. I love the idea of being whisked away to a wonderful place with a wonderful person (can't really say guy because to be honest, the jury is still deliberating on that one). Maybe one day someone will rescue me from myself. If they can take me away for just one moment in time, maybe I'll share my love.

The closer I get to 30, it becomes increasingly harder to sit back and let things happen. I am so quick to rush something that should come naturally. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am living life at the normal pace and everyone else is moving in slow motion. Wedding bells are the last thing on my mind. I just want to share some good times with a wonderful person. I want to walk to the lake and talk about everything and nothing. I want to dress up and have dinner at the park. I want to skip opening night at the theater to watch a Lifetime movie at home. I have all of these ideas and no one to share them with.

Since I have managed to depress myself, looks like it is time to say "eff my life" and bury my pain in a pint of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked. Perhaps a gallon.

Soul Mate

Given a chance I can make you smile
make you forget that you don't belong to me.

I received a call from my first true love today. I had a dream about him a few weeks ago, which is usually a sign that something is going on in his life. He told me that he proposed to his girlfriend on April 17...at 3pm. The girlfriend that he started dating a few months after we broke up 6 years ago. The girlfriend that he struggled with the first couple of years they were together because he couldn't choose between the two of us. The girlfriend that told him to stop talking to me, yet he continues to do so. The girlfriend that competed with me for the past 6 years. My gift to the happy couple will be a white flag.

A few years ago, my ex asked me how I felt about soul mates. We had a 4 hour discussion on the subject. He believed that someone could be your soul mate but you didn't have to be in a romantic relationship with them. To him, a soul mate is someone you can't live without. It was at that moment he confessed that I was his soul mate. So to you, fiance, I offer a white flag. You may have won his heart, but he'll always be my soul mate.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Sometimes I really hate the fact that I was born a female. We are such emotional creatures. It doesn't take a large stimulus to turn our world upside down. One minute we are happy go lucky, smiling from ear to ear, walking with a bounce in our step, then here comes the smallest, most insignificant thing to come and knock us into a deep depression.

I should have known that I would eventually get hurt. Not by him, no he is perfect. He could never do anything wrong. He tells me that I am beautiful, warns me not to let "those punks" (including him) hurt me. He tells me to remember that I am beautiful. He makes me laugh. He encourages me and doesn't even realize it. He makes me laugh when my whole world is tumbling down. He is perfectly awesome despite the troubles that he is going through. He is a strong, wise, handsomely sexy man. Given the opportunity, I'd definitely take it there. And love every minute in that paradise...hmmm.

{Snap back to reality} The reality that hit me (mentally, physically, and emotionally) was the reality that I still don't love myself enough to enter into any kind of relationship. I have so much love in my heart for others, that often times I forget to reach out and love myself. Someone twittered a statement about love today. I can't remember it verbatim, but the point of it was to learn to love yourself, have a relationship with yourself, because it will be your longest relationship. I can't expect a guy to look at me and see someone who is ready for love. I'm super confident, witty, intelligent, and strong. But I am lacking a certain happiness that comes from loving who you are. I know that I am not perfect; I never claimed to be any where near perfection. I just want to be perfect in his eyes.

The "his" that I am speaking of is any man that seeks to build a relationship with me. Love is not about making the imperfect person perfect, its about making the imperfect person perfect in your eyes. While watching the words come across the screen, reality hit me again and I realized despite his circumstances and situations, he was genuinely happy. He took what was definitely certified crap and turned it into top shelf merchandise. As a Public Relations specialist, I should know about marketing a product. When you put a new item on the market, you don't send it out with torn labels and dusty packaging. You pull out the new, bright, energetic labels and send it out in the biggest and best packages. If I were the package, how would I be perceived? Bitter and fake? Would I be in shambles because of the hurt cause from lovers long ago? Would I allow the pain that I carried with me to ruin my marketability?

As I look back over the conversation that took place tonight, I can't help but wonder how he did it. How was he able to see the good in me that I couldn't see? How could he see the beauty in me that I didn't even know existed outside of my narcissistic mirror? When would I ever allow myself to be truly happy? When would I allow myself to experience life? When would I finally get off of this emotional roller coaster?

Mistaken Smiles

Everyone makes mistakes. No matter how small or insignificant, a mistake is still a mistake. Maybe it was caused by a lapse in judgment...maybe from sleep deprivation. The cause doesn't negate the fact that a mistake occurred. I know this fact all too well.

I stopped in to a little pub for an early dinner. I sat at a booth across from a random stranger. That's kind of redundant, huh? After ordering water with limes and an "age 21" lemonade, I glanced at the stranger. Noticing that he dined alone, I felt the urge to invite him over to enjoy my company. I decided against that. I dined on a simple meal of chicken fingers, fries, and a wicked honey mustard/bbq sauce combination. Intrigued by the stranger's eyes and infectious laughter, the meal would remain untouched. I had to know this person. I had to meet him. His eyes were the subtle color of perfection. His laughter was welcoming and comforting, much like feeling of home. His passion for life was reflected in his voice. He was truly excited and happy to just live for the moment. The simplicity of life...

It was impossible to be in a bad mood with him around. The frown that I was wore turned into a smile no matter how hard I tried to fight it. This was only the beginning.

Fast forward a few weeks. Constant conversation via the social networks that plague this generation. I was looking for physical contact. An outing is what must take place. A simple restaurant in a simple town would become the site of a great mistake.

We laughed, talked, laughed some more. The evening was great from the word "hello". I couldn't help but smile. I was good at hiding my true feelings behind a wall of sarcasm. He could see past that. He looked beyond my nervousness and saw the me that I was trying so desperately to hide. I am not good at keeping secrets so I had to confess. Confess my true feelings...how I felt the first time I looked into his eyes that were the subtle color of perfection. The night ended with a walk and a hug. The perfect end to a perfect night. Was he as intrigued as I was? Did he yearn for another date, or was I alone in that feeling.

Weeks later, communication is still going strong. Still hanging out on the social networks. We sent random texts telling tales of going out again. Smileys would be the highlight of every piece of correspondence. A simple smile to end a sentence...a wink to hint at the flirtation of the previous statement...a huge smile to convey the happiness of this situation. LOL'ing more and more everyday.

Prior to outing number 1, everything was laid out on the table. The brutal honesty of his situation was too much too handle, yet I took it all with a smile on my face. My situation wasn't much better. The only difference between the 2 of us-I couldn't hide my true feelings. When I fall, its always quick and hard. No warning, no time to prepare. It just happens.

I always speak first and think later. I am notorious for "drunk texting". I found myself purposely getting intoxicated so that I could tell him what I was really thinking. Every statement had the disclaimer, "I may be tipsy so I can't be held responsible for what I say." I wonder if it worked. I wonder if he bought it. I've been told by many people that I am completely transparent. How is it possible to enjoy someone's company so much that it consumes your thoughts all day and night. No matter how much I tried to forget about him, I couldn't. He was someone that I could grow to have an awesome friendship with. Yep, that is all I was looking for. Just a friendship...nothing more. The simplicity of friendship...the simplicity of a walk along the promenade...the simplicity of a hug.

Mistake number one eventually led to mistakes two and three. I came across a gift that had his name written all over it. I had to buy it; I mean, his birthday was coming up and I do love buying birthday presents for people. Then there was the invite to a group event constructed to include all of my closest friends. Luckily, I had an emergency to come up and he had prior engagements. When did I turn into that girl? The hopeless romantic who believed that a great friendship was the solid foundation upon which a relationship was built upon. The girl who looked was optimistic that things would be happily ever after. The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, loosely pinned to a pink cardigan. It fell so many times before that she no longer felt the hurt anymore. She was numb to the harshness of reality. The girl who prayed for answers and when she got them she was still afraid to pursue whatever it was. The girl who always looked for possibilities, yet she didn't think she fully deserved them. Was that the girl I had become, or maybe it is who I was all along.

As I look at the gifts all wrapped in their "this gift is from one friend to another with no romantic ties" wrapping paper, I can't help but wonder if his excitement about our friendship is genuine. To think, this entire situation started because of mistaken smiles.

Heteromosexual

I've often been told that I can't give advice to my married friends because I've never been married. I can't offer any tips to those with children because I've never had any of my own. I wouldn't know what it's like for a homosexual person in America because I'm hetero. These statements often hurt more because they come from people I love and trust.

My fears of hearing these statements again caused me to remain silent during the Miss California scandal. The madness has continued far too long. I must share my opinion with the world (or just the few readers of my blog). If you don't like what I have to say, fine. Deal with it. Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion. I welcome your comments on the situation as well, as long as they aren't offensive.

Gay marriage is the same as heterosexual marriage, in my opinion. I believe that the fight for Gay and Lesbian rights is similar to the fight for civil rights. Miss California is entitled to her feelings. Perez Hilton is entitled to his as well. It seems that because Miss CA didn't agree with Perez (and others) that she was punished. Bloggers everywhere are treating Miss CA as if she committed some kind of mortal sin. She stood boldly and stated her true feelings. Would you rather she lied? And the answer to that is an astounding "hell yes". Here in America, if someone's beliefs aren't the same as ours, we shun them. We tell them they are wrong and point out every little perceived "error" in their beliefs. But we don't stop there. We also tell them why "our beliefs" are correct and why they should drop their beliefs and pick up ours.

This is wrong on so many different levels. If anything, Miss CA should be punished for her inability to answer a question without sounding like a beauty queen (oh wait, she is!).

I love everyone. I want everyone to feel love, experience love, live love. I want homosexuals to have the right to marry, adopt kids, be covered on spouses' insurance, have the same rights as heterosexuals...but most of all, I want homosexuals to be treated as humans. We are all people. We are all capable of loving someone, yet we choose hate instead. Choose love.

I may be heterosexual, but I wear my rainbow proudly.

Allow Me To ReIntroduce Myself...

I am learning more about myself through social media. Tomorrow is my first day at my new marketing/PR job. I have learned so much from my new friends on Twitter and YouTube. Marketing and Public Relations is all about product placement. Right now, I am the product. Rayven Victori is a brand in and of itself. For the past few years, I was placing myself in the wrong situations, environments, and around the wrong people. People who weren't here for me; some wanted to use me others wanted to abuse me. I am ready to put Rayven Victori right where she belongs...

Have you ever stopped to think about how much effort you but into your number one brand? Have you ever wondered why you were attracting the wrong mates? friends? lovers? Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered if the outside world could see the awesomeness that you see?

The past week has taught me a lot about myself. I learned how to spot real friends from the fakes...dependable mates from the losers...passionate lovers from the lames. Most importantly, I learned how to trust myself. Most of the time, you know when you make a bad decision. You don't need anyone to tap you on the shoulder just to say, "Hey idiot! That was a bad idea." You only need to listen and trust yourself.

I lied to myself so much that I thought it was the truth. I thought I needed her as a friend. I thought I needed him as a mate. I thought I couldn't sleep without him there to cuddle me. Those were all lies. And the biggest lie of all was the belief that I could never find another job. I had to stop lying to myself in order to find out what I was truly in search of. I had to trust myself to make the right decision. Leaving a job is much like leaving a spouse. There is pain, fear, insecurities, anger, and regret. But at some point in life you have to be bold and fearless and realize that you are you're greatest asset. Stand tall and feel secure in your own skin.

Please allow me to reintroduce myself...
Rayven Victori, number one brand

Incomplete

I have a better relationship with my nail technician and waxer than I do with the new guy(you know, the one that gives me butterflies). I see Su Jeong (also known as "Sonya") on a weekly basis, sometimes twice weekly. I don't have the pleasure of seeing Mr.Wonderful that often. Sonya and I talk several times during the course of a week. Mr.Wonderful has such a busy and hectic schedule that I'm lucky if I get one text per day.

I feel like my life is incomplete for some reason. I don't have to have a relationship, I just seek the attention of the guys who are reluctant to give it. I am a glutton for pain and torture. I have great guys all around me who shower me with love on a daily basis, but I still feel incomplete if I don't have "that" guy. Am I spoiled? Needy? Confused? Hell yes, hell no, maybe (respectively).

Some people say that relationships mirror friendships. If you suck as a friend, more than likely you'll suck as a girlfriend/boyfriend. If that is true, then I should be one heck of a girlfriend. I love my true friends to death. I'd do any and everything for them. But I am so unlucky in relationships. Even when I'm in one, I still feel incomplete.

It Is Not About You

Everything doesn't always have to be about you.

When I come home full of anger, don't assume it is because of something you did or said. Life is complex...more complex than our little "love game" that we play.

I'm not fighting for your attention, so why are you fighting for mine?

If I wake from a bad dream in a cold sweat, why do you think my nightmare involved you? I don't eat, sleep, breathe, and think of only you.

The moments I think of you are the moments you aren't here. It is all about you when I am given a chance to miss you...to miss your embrace, your smile, your scent. It is not all about you right now because you are suffocating me. Give me a chance to need you, to want you, to yearn for you.

Let me breathe....let me be. Sometimes it is about me.

Happy Easter?

I am not against celebrating Easter. I am not against Easter bunnies, baskets, hunts for pastel-colored eggs. No, I'm not against any of that.

I am, however, against you forcing your religious views upon me. I believe what I believe, but have never, ever made you feel inadequate or incorrect in your beliefs. Please give me that same level of respect.

Please refrain from behaving as if you are "holier than thou" on Good Friday and Easter Sunday, but being your "less than perfect" regular self on the Saturday that falls in between.

Happy Easter dear friend, I'm looking forward to seeing who you are tomorrow.

Eternally Afraid Of What's Real

I might as well be dating my laptop
because my fingers have felt it's keys
more than they have felt a man.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real

I can't remember what a hug feels like
but can tell you everything that happened on
Making the Band 4 last night.
Unable to handle being told I'm pretty
so used to telling myself that in the mirror
therefore no reaction needed.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

A typical phone conversation is foreign soil for my mind
incapable of wrapping my brain around the concept
so used to instant messenger
that it is all I know
he says a funny joke and I verbally respond with
"LMAO"
while drawing a smiley in my head.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

We walk along the promenade
unsure of where to look or
what to say
So accustomed to choosing an avatar to match my backround
that when he says the light from the moon
hits my face just right
the walk went from color to an area of shady gray
Holding hands creates undue anxiety
yet I can close my eyes and navigate my web page with blindly.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

Receiving flowers and gifts causes confusion,
"thank you, they are so...tangible"
is my conclusion.
ecards and web gifts were commonplace in my inbox
refusing to adjust, the tangible gifts often found a home
out of sight, as to not ruin my technological decor
or put me into shock.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

The thought of performing for him gave me thoughts of suicide
yet performing weekly for thousands of viewers via webcam
was common nature for me.
Holding the mic, my knees start to tremble
unable to form a thought or make a sound
forced to close my eyes and picture my
studio with the green screen behind me
imagining that this is just my YouTube family
instead of claps and cheers I only see view counts and
comments saying "we love you bre"
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

Tuesday Is The New Monday!

A nutritional supplement company conducted a survey which stated that workers can pinpoint the most stressful time of the week: Tuesday at 11:45am. Supposedly, workers use Mondays to "cruise Facebook and read the weekend gossip". That statement was rather bothersome for me, maybe because that is exactly how I spend my Monday mornings. Who'd a thunk it?

I would have to agree that Tuesdays are especially stressful for me. Not only do I have an 8am class, but I have to work as well. And it seems the pharmacy is always slammed on Tuesdays. What the hell, man? What happened to the good old days when Mondays were the most hated day of the week? I now look forward to Wednesdays for their utter mundane-ness; an opportunity to relax after a busy Tuesday and plan the rest of my week.

As I look over to the clock, I can't help but notice that it is 3:15am and instead of dreaming in my comfy bed, I'm blogging, cleaning, doing laundry, and stressing about my "non-date" date in 15 hours (not that I'm counting down or anything). Oh the punishment we put our bodies through...

I digress, as most of your Tuesdays have come to an end, keep this in mind: If Tuesdays are the new Mondays, then that makes the weekend Friday-Monday! Enjoy!

It's Not A Date...

I am so super giddy & excited about my "outing" on Wednesday. I don't want to call it a date, because I hate that word with a passion. I am having dinner with Mr.Wonderful. He is the epitome of all things wholesome. This will serve as the foundation for a great, lasting friendship.

But if I am just looking for friendship and this is not a date, then why do I have these butterflies? I want everything to be perfect, but I am perfectly imperfect.

Females, why do we do this? Why do we stress over things instead of letting them be..."Que sera sera...whatever will be, will be."

Mom Hosts Vodka Chugging Party for Teens

People should have to pass a test before they procreate. How does this make you feel??

Embedded video from CNN Video

You Don't Have To Be Hot, Just Make Me Laugh

A recent Northumbria University study concluded that women are more likely to be attracted to men who have a good sense of humor. They didn't need to do a study to conclude that, just look around at some of the great comedians who aren't super attractive, but seemed to capture super hot girlfriends and wives. I have always been attracted to the funny guys. If a guy can make me laugh, then he is okay with me.

The study stated that women associate a good sense of humor with being intelligent, which supposedly leads to him being a better mate. I'm not sure if I would take it that far, but the truth is women love funny men. There is no need for further analysis or studies. Make us laugh and we'll go out with you. Keep us laughing and we're yours forever!

Learning to Want

This is a transcript of a speech that means a lot to me. Sometimes we just have to put fear aside and learn how to want.

Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything.

I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure.

But now I find that I can't stop wanting.

I want to fly somewhere in first class.

I want to travel to Europe on a business trip.

I want to get invited to the White House.

I want to learn about the world.

I want to surprise myself.

I want to be important.

I want to be the best person that I can be.

I want to define myself instead of having others define me.

I want to win, and have people be happy for me,

I want to lose and get over it.

I want to not be afraid of the unknown.

I want to grow up to be generous and big hearted, the way that people have been with me.

I want an interesting and surprising life.

It's not that I think I'm going to get all of these things,

I just want the possibility of getting them.

College represents possibility.

The possibility that things are going to change.

I can't wait..
~Tyra from Friday Night Lights

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

Life is what happens when you stop trying to control it.

I spent the last couple of days re-reading my last blog post and realizing how quickly things can go from bad to great. I am in a good place right now. Everything has done a complete 180. I am so happy with these positive changes.

I am always online on my phone, either updating Twitter or Facebook, or searching for randomness on Google mobile. My manager/friend/spiritual adviser noticed this. He offered me a wonderful "pro bono" job with his youth ministry. I will have the opportunity to be the webmaster for his youth ministry. I am basically the PR person. I am so excited. Recently I've become fascinated with marketing and public relations, and wasn't really sure how to get into the field, especially with my nursing and pharmacy tech schedules. I wanted to do PR on the side in what little free time I have. I don't want to do it for the money, but just for fun. I will soon become the webmaster and incorporate pod casts, Twitter alerts, Facebook groups, and maybe even a weekly blog showing the notes for the sermon. I am excited to begin this journey, and can't wait to see where this amazing opportunity leads me.

I have also removed all of the bad seeds from my life. I have surrounded myself with loving, honest, sincere friends. I am enjoying every minute that we are able to spend together. It is wonderful to be around peopole who aren't using me or taking my friendship for granted. True friends are hard to come by, and I plan to hold on the the ones I have.

I want to send a special "shout out" to MaddSketch, who is by far the most precious person I've NEVER met! LoL! Madd you are a sweetheart and if you're ever in my neck of the woods, call me! You are oozing with talent. I am glad that you stumbled into my life, and I pray you never leave. If you ever need anything, you know I am here for you! Your talent amazes me!!!

My job couldn't be better right now. I am increasing our sales, finding new patients, and increasing patient retention. All by learning how to separate work from life. I leave my life at the time clock, and pick it up on the way out. I stopped taking work home with me, allowing it to consume my life. When you have a true separation of life and work, things seem to flow a little smoother, run a little faster, and smiles tend to linger a little longer.

Ahhh, life is better than great, its supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!

XOXO

These Snitches Think They're Hard, So Why Do They Think I'm Not?

Life is not going the way I thought it would. This year started off great. I had the man of my dreams, the greatest friends a girl could ask for, and a wonderful job. Now I have to sit back and watch everything crash all around me. I lost the love of my life. I am slowly pushing friends away. And my job is teetering on being non-existent. How can things go from fabulous to effed up in 3 months time? I'm still trying to grasp it all.

I have been reevaluating my choice in friends. Some people are just using me. I don't want to be that person that you only call on when no one else answers your calls. I deserve more than that. I am not a toy. I am a human being with feelings, emotions, cares, concerns. If you aren't ready for a real friendship, then in the words of the American legend Donald Trump, "You're Fired!" We are adults now, and we should behave like adults. I am now realizing who my true friends are. Sadly, not many people fall into that category.

Won't You Come Over Love?

I'm such a hopeless romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I fall fast and hard.

And I wouldn't change any of that.

Have you ever seen the movie "Down to You"? I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but movies like that cause me to believe in love. The kind of love that is awesomely perfect, never ending, good to the last drop. The kind of love that I aspire to have.

It hurts so much to wait on love. But it is the price one has to pay for true love. It can't be rushed or hurried.

Luckily, I'm patient ;-)

Rayven's Rants and Raves 1

Rihanna Umbrella Karaoke

FUN TIMES WITH FRIENDS!!

Insomniac Chronicles Volume 1, Issue 1

Its after 1am and I am wide awake...as if I don't have to wake up at 6am to get ready for work. I haven't been able to sleep for the past few weeks. I have an idea why, I just don't want to admit that there is a problem. I don't want to think that I actually miss the man who broke my heart; not once, but twice in the last 6 months. I want to believe that I am over him. That I don't sit in bed at night wondering what (or who) he's doing...wanting to call just to hear his voice...yearning for his touch. I want to believe that he is in my past, never to be thought of again.

Too bad that's not going to happen.

I know that life shouldn't revolve around some guy, but that's just how it is sometimes. I am at the age where all of my friends are getting married (or are already married), have children, houses, careers. They have the total package. I'm not trying to rush things, it just seems like it should be my turn already. Not trying to toot my own horn, but I'm a decent catch. I just refuse to settle. I will not be disrespected, mistreated, unloved, or made to feel unpretty.

Is it too much to ask for to be held at night? to stay in on a Saturday night and enjoy each others company instead of hanging out at some hot, crowded night club? to end the night with a simple forehead kiss before falling asleep in his arms? to have a man who loves me when every fiber of his being?

Maybe it is. Perhaps I am looking for something that doesn't exist.

WHERE MY MCNUGGETS AT RAWWWWRRR!!!!

I love this man!!!

Riding On The Freeway Of Love In My Pink Prius

My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. My sister and I would spend our summers and every other holiday with my father. Most of the time, he was living in Atlanta, GA. Every trip from Chattanooga to Atlanta was awesome. I love the interstate system in Atlanta. I would fall asleep on the way down and my sister would always wake me just when we were entering downtown. I would look out the window at all of the overpasses and what seemed to be a confusing mess was actually an organized system. As a child, complexity amazed me.

Fast forward 20 years...

I still seek complexity in my life. The more difficult a task, the better. I thought I would eventually grow out of it, maybe it was some kind of phase...I can't have a simple friendship or a simple relationship. It has to be as complex as the interstates I grew to love.

My life is full of bridges, curves, overpasses, exits, entrances, construction zones, and occasionally some inclement weather and a few fender benders. But I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. Life shouldn't be easy, and it shouldn't be too hard either. It should just be life. Life is full of "what ifs"...I enjoy saying "why not"! I am living in this moment. Life is not what happens in the past-that moment is gone. Nor is it what happens in the future-the future is not promised. Life really isn't what happens in the present either. Life is what happens at this moment. No matter how confusing my life may look, every moment is an organized surprise!

This is Me-Rayven Victori

10 THINGS I WISH I COULD SAY TO 10 PEOPLE RIGHT NOW
1. I don't miss you, I miss who I thought you were.
2. You really need to get your life together. Be someone that others can look up to...
3. You are so fake. I wish you could just be honest with yourself. You are not all of that...actually, you suck in life.
4. You are so much fun! We have great conversation, but you are NOT boyfriend material.
5. I really don't like you. I though I made that clear a long time ago. Please stop calling/texting/emailing me! Thanks!
6. I thought you were someone I could trust, but you proved me wrong.
7. I think you are amazing. Pretty darn close to perfect!
8. When I look into your eyes, I melt. When I see your smile, I get butterflies in my stomach.
9. I believe in you more than you believe in yourself.
10. I was angry when you moved away, but now I am so glad that you did! You're a STAR!!!

9 THINGS ABOUT ME
1. I absolutely LOVE Caucasian/Latino/Italian/A

frican/Jamaican/European men. But most of all, any man with green or blue eyes. Add a nice smile and I'm yours!
2. I think I'm afraid of growing up. (too late)
3. I once loved someone I couldn't have. Sad thing is, he loved me too.
4. I miss my 18 year old body.
5. I'm afraid of crickets and butterflies.
6. I love my natural hair, but sometimes I want to see it straightened.
7. I detest people who refuse to further their education. Get a trade or something. Don't just stop after high school.
8. I am madly in LIKE with _____! He is awesome!
9. I love talking to strangers and shy people. I love to get people out of their shells. So yes, I will talk to ANYONE!

8 WAYS TO WIN MY FRIENDSHIP
1. Honesty: Don't lie to me and think we will still have a friendship. Major deal breaker!!
2. Have a sense of humor. Make me laugh, please and thank you...I'm sure I'll do the same ;-)
3. Don't be afraid of what's real.
4. Intelligence: I appreciate good conversations, but don't just regurgitate what the media says. Have your own opinion.
5. Trustworthy: I refuse to have a friend that I can't trust.
6. Commitment: Not to me, but to anything-school, religion, career, life in general. Be able to commit to what you believe in.
7. Imperfection: No one is perfect, so don't try to convince me that you are.
8. Hugs: I love hugs, enough said.

7 THINGS THAT CROSS MY MIND
1. Why are my patients curious about my political views?
2. Why are you constantly wanting to know what is going on in my life? Do you have a life or are you living vicariously through mine?
3. Is it wrong that I am reading "Everyday Zen" for the 3rd time?
4. Why do certain people hate that I am trying to better myself?
5. I am excited about having children, but want to do so before I turn 30. Is that too much pressure?
6. I want to know true love before I turn 25.
7. I turned 25 in December.

6 THINGS I DO BEFORE BED
1. Twist my hair.
2. Dance and sing in the mirror.
3. Shower (I'm addicted-sometimes 3 a day, but always 2)
4. Homework/Study
5. Facebook/Myspace/Blogger/Twitter/YouTube
6. Thank God

5 PEOPLE WHO MEAN THE WORLD TO ME
1. Parents (Lady B and Chuck)
2. "Blaine" (I miss you more than you will ever know- I'll see you one sweet day)
3. Family (somewhat crazy, but full of love)
4. Friends (Jermaine and Thomas-BFFFs)
5. {insert your name here}

4 THINGS I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Jeans
2. Burnt Orange shirt
3. Kitten heels
4. A smile

3 SONGS I LISTEN TO OFTEN
1. Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood-Algebra Blessett
2. Mystery of Iniquity-Lauryn Hill
3. As-Stevie Wonder

2 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. Live every moment as if its my last.
2. Love a man with all of my heart and soul (and for him to love me in return)

1 CONFESSION
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am not afraid to express my feelings and I always say what's on my mind. Tomorrow is not promised, so I want to let the world know how I feel today!

When The Road Forks...

What do you do when you come to a fork in the road? Do you press the OnStar button for assistance? Do you call someone familiar with the area and seek their advice? Do you follow your gut instinct?

I'm standing at the end of the road, starring at a fork with 3 options. I can stay in Tennessee, finish nursing school, end up working at the same hospital where I was born. I can move to California, apply to a nursing school out there, start all over, new coast, new life. I can move to Texas and follow in the footsteps of the bravest person I know-my BFF.

I am always so quick to make a decision, most times without weighing the pros and cons. Tennessee has been my home for more than 20 years, and it will always be a place to call home, but right now I think it is time to get away. Get away from the monotony of job, get away from the mundane concerns my current lifestyle. I seek adventure. I am hoping to be that light down the road less traveled.

Beyonce-EGO (parking lot edition)

I LOVE his big....ego! LoL!

I really enjoy singing/dancing/acting a fool in my car!

You Are My Roc(k)

I have had the same best friend since I was 13 years old. Twelve years of ups and downs, but he has always been there for me, and I have always been there for him. When he was in Iraq fighting and nursing soldiers back to health, I was right there-virtually-beside him. Never missed a phone call or email. I even explained to my professors that if I ran out of the room it was because I had to take the call from Iraq. He now lives on the opposite side of the US and we still keep in touch. We haven't missed a beat. Both going on with our separate lives while continuing to motivate and support each other. I wouldn't trade him in for anything in the world. He is my ROC(k)! I don't know what I would do or where I would be without him.

I sometimes wonder if he realizes just how much he means to me. The love I have for him is more than the love for a best friend, more than the love for a brother, more than the love for a soul mate...The love I have for him is indescribable.

A true friend should be cherished, for they are a rare commodity.

Why Do We Try So Hard To Blend?

Thank you Sabra723 for inspiring me to write this blog.

Stress is caused by my naivete.

My job is stressful. However, my stress level seems to rise whenever I am working with my "friends". This topic was discussed a few weeks ago, but after listening to Sabrina Lynne, I was able to see that these are people I should let go of, if it is God's will. I am holding on to some friendships that I feel are not built on solid ground. It seems as though the relationship is sinking slowing, much like a sinkhole. Work and friendships seem not to go hand in hand. I would much rather work with the one employee that I do not consider a friend. She and I have nothing in common, but we seem to get the job done when we work together as a team.

I thought I had a good friend in someone, but I seem to keep getting "burned" in this friendship. I have given this person a second chance, only to get burned again. I don't appreciate it. I thought a friendship was something to be treasured, because true friends are hard to come by...but some people are determined to be in your life just to stir up mess.

I think one of my main problems is that people try so hard to blend. My true friends and I don't have everything in common. We are all unique and different and it works out so well. I don't try to be like them, they don't try to be like me. Our differences unite us. It is time for people to start being real. Stop trying so hard to blend. Be confident in who you are. Love the you that was uniquely created by God. Don't be ashamed of what you have to offer. You never know who you are helping by just being yourself.

I know that it is time to get rid of some of the "blenders" and "impostors" in my life. It is hard to do, but I can't continue to give of myself only to be taken advantage of, ridiculed, belittled, talked about, disrespected, and hated behind my back. I am confident in who I am and what I have to offer a true friend. I am so quick to love an accept that it sometimes gets me into trouble. I am tired of hurting. It is time for me to surround myself with positivity.

I don't want to blend.

The Countdown Continues...

Only a few more days until I am hopefully reunited with the man I have grown to love. The anticipation is killing me. He is more than amazing, more than wonderful, he's the one. I know this now but I don't want to act on it.

Contrary to popular belief, this love thing is not a game. It is serious. I can feel it in every fiber of my being. I am willing to drive 6 hours just to be in his presence. I don't want to marry him at this second. I don't need him to declare his love for me. I don't need a title. Right now, I just want to enjoy his friendship. Nothing more, nothing less.

If this is meant to be, then it will be. Nothing can change fate. Before I met him, I just knew that we would not get along. I thought he was just another intern that I could use as free labor. But serendipity stepped in. Not only did I discover something fortunate, I also found something honest and true. Something I have grown to cherish and value. Something I never want to lose.

He told me once that it would be impossible to replace him. I thought it was a joke, but now I realize that he was right. He's irreplaceable...unequivocally and undeniably.

3 more days...

When Did I Become the Bad Guy?

What the heck are we fighting for??

I have tried to keep my pharmacy running at a somewhat normal pace, but my "manager" doesn't seem to appreciate it nor does he understand the severity of the situation. I am sick and tired of slaving at that place when he just moseys about at a snail's pace. This is ridiculous.

Okay, I admit it...I tend to fuss a little bit to get my point across. But if I just sit back and play it cool, my pharmacy will be total chaos!!!

I don't know why he fights me at every step. Maybe its because he realized that someone younger than him actually knows what the heck she's doing.

Rayven's Raves

Thursday night I found myself wandering around Frazier Avenue looking for something to do. Starving and refusing to walk the entire North Shore in search of good food, I stopped in at Jet Stream Grill.

The atmosphere was wonderful; each booth outfitted with its own little flat screen television, dim lighting, soft music, large booths that could easily fit 6 people. It was the epitome of happiness. My server was prompt and courteous (gotta love that Southern Hospitality). I was immediately drawn to the Peach Sweet Tea (a Southern staple), Chicken Alfredo, and Strawberry Shortcake. I must admit, everything was delicious with the exception of the dessert. It was much like a Sara Lee store bought frozen pound cake with one small strawberry on top. The ice cream wasn't exactly the greatest either. The meal itself was fantastic. Olive Garden is my favorite Italian restaurant, but the Southern touch that was added to the Chicken Alfredo was a pleasant surprise (minus the uncooked tomatoes on top). I highly recommend it. My bill came to about $22 before the tip.

Jet Stream grill is a wonderful restaurant for families, friends, first dates or anniversaries. Great food, great staff, and the wonderful Southern charm makes it one of my "RAVES".

Jet Stream Grill
Chattanooga, TN

I Found God at the Corner of 1st and Amistad...

Today was a very emotional and uplifting day for me.

I work with a wonderfully blessed youth pastor who encourages and helps me every day. He is a kind spirit and allows God to use him to the fullest. I was feeling really down lately because of everything going on. I have strayed so far away from God that I thought there was no way I could come back.

He spent almost 2 hours talking, praying, mentoring, and helping me to find peace of mind that can only be found through the Word. I spent much of that time crying and praying. He is what I call a "Real Life" pastor. He has lived life and seen so much. When he talks and preaches it feels like I am just having a conversation with a friend. I needed that.

As we sat in the car talking about any and everything, it made me think of the song by The Fray "You Found Me". The first line of that song describes my experience tonight..."I found God at the corner of 1st and Amistad". I have been searching for God for a few months now, never making time for Him, finding excuses not to go to worship, reasons why I couldn't tithe, justifying my absence from small groups, wondering why everything I touched turned to sand. It was all because I was not right with God. I found Him again tonight and it felt better than the first time. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could stand tall and walk with my head up, not afraid of the future anymore. For once in my life, the pieces were coming together quicker than I ever imagined they could.

Faith. I once spoke on having faith the size of a mustard seed. That's all it takes. I have to admit that my pastor never gave up on me. He would always remind me to turn to God, not to man. I listened, but never really heard him. Tonight, I was able to hear him. I was able to feel the chills that came over my body when I decided to give my life back to Christ. I understand that God is not trapped in a church or at a worship service. God is everywhere. I was able to reach out to Him, at any time and at any place...even if it was at the corner of 1st and Amistad.

Let's Unite America In A Single Cause

http://myturnday.com/home/

I listen to Kidd Kraddick In The Morning almost everyday. This morning a particular segment caught my attention. While driving to school, I heard Kidd discussing "My Turn Day"-a day to unite America in a single cause. I was raised in a family where giving and volunteering is just the right thing to do. It was not something that we expected a thank you for or any kind of accolades. "My Turn Day" will allow everyone to get together for a single cause while encouraging others to do the same. I plan to participate on February 10th, but since I'm such an impatient runt, I plan to get started now.

Today I sent supplies to a student in need. Now its your turn...

http://myturnday.com/home/

Butterflies and Dreams

Have you ever loved someone so much that you have a permanent smile on your face and in your heart?

I've never felt this way about anyone. I am now walking in uncharted territory. He makes me smile without saying a word. He gives me butterflies....

The pharmacy was complete and total chaos today. I'm really starting to rethink my decision to stay at my current location. Everyone there knows that I am a nursing student, but one person definitely lets me know his disdain for nurses. He constantly tells me that nurses are only good for one thing...and it definitely isn't related to healthcare. I am proud to say that I am a great nursing student, and plan to become a great nurse. When did nurses get such a bad rep??

*SHOUTOUT* to my new follower "mynaturalwrite"! Thanks for following! Enjoy the ride!

Car Vs. Garbage Can

It's an absolute travesty! My wonderful, beautiful car was injured during an altercation with a trash can in an event instigated by a speeding vehicle. I'm still kinda shaken up from the entire scene.

I was driving up a hill and another vehicle was coming down the same hill way too fast. I quickly darted toward the right to miss the maniac only to realize that I was way too close to a trash can...but it was too late. My side mirror was killed on the scene, shattered into a million pieces. {insert tears here}

I'm so mad that the other vehicle didn't even stop to see if I was okay. I mean after all, it was their fault. I'm saddened now, realizing that I have to spend the money I put aside for beautiful Palin glasses on a new mirror-plus the cost to fix it. Oh what a day!!

*SHOUT OUT* to my first follower EVER here on Blogger-Socasassy! Thanks so much for following! Welcome to the show!

The Perfect T-Shirt

While talking with some friends about relationships, one of the guys offered some words of wisdom when it comes to finding the right mate.

Relationships are like shopping. You walk into a store and you have several t-shirts to pick from. Finding the perfect mate is like finding the perfect t-shirt.
You have some shirts that are really tight, some may call them tiny t's. Now this t-shirt represents the clingy mate. The one who wants to spend every waking moment with their mate.
Then you have the baggy t's. These t-shirts are like the mates who don't have to see each other often to be happy. They are content just talking on the phone and seeing each other occasionally.
The last category is the everyday t, some refer to this as the perfect t. This shirt is just the right fit, every thing about it is awesome and everytime you put it on you realize just how blessed you are to have it. Comfort, protection, warmth.

It was refreshing to hear a guy speak this way about relationships. Just when I thought all hope was gone, buried at the bottom of a display table I found my perfect t...

When he holds me in his arms at night, I feel comfortable, protected and warm...It's a perfect fit!

I Get Out

I'm not perfect,
never claimed to be
just wish to be
the best example of imperfection
for the world to see.

I don't really know where to begin. Life doesn't always have a "happily ever after", but I'm loving that right now. I guess I have Karma to thank. After my name has been dragged through the trenches, sullied with mud and muck, I now sit and watch you go through the same thing. I'm not happy for your misfortune; however, I am happy that I was able to clean up the mess that was my life. I can now stand tall knowing that I have survived obstacle that you could throw my way. If I can make it through that, then I can make it through anything.

Victori...
No other name could explain my life at this moment. I had to rebel to get to where I am now. Unable to conform to your vision of perfection. Not willing to sacrifice everything I had to please you. But now you must sit and watch me from those same trenches I cried in...the same trenches that almost took my life.

Freedom...
I am free from your bondage. I can't be victimized anymore. I chose life. I chose happiness. I had to change in order to grow. You wanted me to fail. You needed me to stay trapped in your box, unable to move. Keeping me from the truth, feeding me lies. I was starving for knowledge, for information, for acceptance. I was there, in those same trenches down there. Sitting in that same mess...

What makes me different you ask...
I'm strong enough to help you get out. Instead of watching you struggle to crawl out of the ditch in the rain, I there with a ladder aiding you in your time of need. Despite the things you did to me, I can't watch you suffer anymore.

I Gotta Find Peace Of Mind

The last 8 months have been a blur...
Images all mixed together like an overexposed photo.

Overexposure...
I keep putting myself out there because I don't want to give up. "Keep hope alive" as they say.

Infatuation...
More than a crush. Less than lust. Wanting to be in your presence. Needing to feel comfort found only with you. Missing your laugh, your look, missing you.

Lost...
The only way to describe my life right now. Knowing that I don't need you, but unable to stop thinking about the possibilities.

Inspired...
Unable to write a song without thinking of your awesomeness. You are more than a friend, you are my muse. Lyrics all revolving around your excellence.

Confused...
Needing to get my head on straight. Wondering if I should continue to pursue the unattainable or give up like I have many times before.

I Gotta Find Peace Of Mind...

Nervous Laughter and Political Buffoonery

Have you ever been really nervous about something, but didn't know what it was??

I've been deathly ill the past few days and the only thing I can blame it on is nerves. Life is complete right now, except for him of course. I don't have any major moves planned so I shouldn't be nervous about anything. I should be happy, because, for once I am able to exhale. I can smile. I can laugh.

However; every time I try to laugh, it comes out as nervousness. A quiver followed by a chill. It always ends with a glance to see who's watching.

What is going on?

Aside from unexplained nervousness, I am faced with the dilemma of staying neutral in this huge political warfare being waged all around me. I am an African American with West Indian roots. That does not mean I have to go around declaring that my president is of a certain ethnic background. I am embarrassed to say the least. Yes, the past 43 presidents were Caucasian, but you didn't see Caucasians going around making songs about having a white president. I don't understand why some people chose to behave in such a way. I am glad that this election marked an historic moment for people actually voting. But I am not going to subject myself to the buffoonery of dancing around to some rap song about my president's ethnic background. Period.

On Motherhood

holding her belly after praying to the porcelain god again
realizing that this life inside of her is causing so much pain
misery in her life, trapped in a cage
"she's not married, she can't do it alone"
hearing more negative than positive
starting to believe the voices
seeing her body changing because of the life she's carrying
knowing that (s)he didn't ask for this situation
a mother unsure of herself
what she lacks in self confidence is found in her passion
passionate about the love that was made that caused this child to be
she looks in the mirror at the image of another statistic
"young college dropout gives birth to first child"
not wanting to read that article again
she contemplates ending this misery
ridding herself of the pain and agony by causing more pain and agony
how could that possibly make sense
that could not be the solution
she holds her belly realizing her mistake
a moment of lust led to this day
looking at the positive pregnancy test
thinking back to the days of years past
all the times she made the right choice
did the right thing, lived the right life
she believed the sickness was her body's way of rejecting this child
after all, they say one should follow their gut instinct
she holds her belly, thinking of her own life
was she strong enough, could she do it...

Why Does It Hurt So Bad???

I can't stop thinking about you.

You are all that I want. I thought I was over you. I keep crying when I really don't love you. But why does it hurt so bad???

When ever I have a moment to just sit still and listen to the sound of emptiness and nothingness, all I can think about is you. I miss what we didn't have. You made me laugh. You made me cry. You kept me at peace. You put me through a lot of mess, unneeded stress, mixed emotions. But for some reason you are the person I want to be with.

As simple as a forehead kiss....that is all I wanted from you. I never wanted you to be someone you weren't. I appreciated you for who you were. I still do. I just wanted a simple hug, a simple smile, a simple life with you.

What I was looking for wasn't impossible. I saw through every thing and realized that you were amazing. The epitome of perfection. I spent time thinking that there was something wrong with me, but there wasn't. My only problem was being to open...to honest...to forward with you.

If my straightforwardness is a problem, then so be it. What we could have had would have been amazing, nothing short of pure bliss. Even though I've drowned my sorrows in drink after drink after drink, you are on my mind even more. And when I sober up the next day, I still can't stop thinking about you.

Why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel so sad. I thought I was over you, but I keep crying when I don't love you.

I gotta get you out of my head...

Floetry- Fantasize

This is how he makes me feel...

funny?

its funny how my business is now yours to tell the world.
funny how i can't have a bad day but you can come in being rude to everyone and its okay.
its funny when i don't talk to you and automatically i have an attitude
yet you can not speak to anyone for days and its perfectly fine.
funny how i show up everyday, doing the work of two technicians
but another technician doesn't work at all but i'm the one with the problem
its funny when i stop discussing my personal life at work and you assume something must be wrong
funny how i decided to smile and continue to do my job despite your effort to piss me off.

funny? are you laughing?

Love Found

I am forced to suppress the love I feel inside. He is the epitome of perfection, a prized possession. I have loved him from the first moment I laid eyes on him. I love everything about him from every hair follicle to the skins cells on the bottom of his feet.

I walk around pretending that I am looking for "Mr. Right", when I know that title belongs to him. My status is "single" when I know my heart belongs to him.

I wonder if he knows...

A Lie Don't Care Who Tells It

Why is it so hard to tell the truth??

I am surrounded by coworkers and managers who want to spread rumors, tell lies, and start drama. Sad thing is, we're all supposed to be adults.

My manager and technician told bold faced, underlined, printed in all caps lies to me today. When I confronted them about said lies, they just continued to lie until it became a huge snowball of a lie. I'm done with this insanity. From now on, I am not speaking to any of them outside of work. I will continue to deal with them in a purely professional manner-from a distance.

It baffles me how people can live with themselves and lie daily.

Perfect Mother?

I don't have any children so I don't claim to know anything about parenting; however, I think I know weird parenting when I see it.

I went to Publix to purchase groceries for tonight's dinner. Baked Penne Parmesan with Garlic Toast and Rice Krispie Treats for dessert since you were curious.

There was a nice lady in line behind me purchasing baby formula, a baby bottle and a bottle of water. We started discussing how expensive it is to have a child nowadays and how we felt bad for being spoiled brats as kids. Her advice to me-"Wait as long as you can before you have a child. It is so expensive.". I thanked her for the wonderful advice. As I was placing my bags into my cart she began to tell the cashier how upset her husband would be if he found out that she was giving the baby a bottle that had not been sterilized or even cleaned for that matter. I turned around and she was placing the powder formula into the bottle-which came directly off the shelf-and began pouring water into the bottle. I was in shock. I bid farewell to my new friends with a puzzled look on my face.

I step outside and directly in front of me in the fire lane is a BMW SUV with the motor idling. I peered inside while walking by and what did I see? A little baby in a car seat and no adult in sight. I began to put the pieces together in my head and realized that little Mrs.great-advice-dirty-bottle-giver was also Mrs.leave-my-infant-in-the-car-unattended-with-the-motor-running-in-the-fire-lane. {that was a mouthful}

I wondered if that was the wisest decision to make...what if instead of kind Victori walking by, it was the cops, or heaven forbid, a social worker from Family and Children's Services?

Should I take her advice?

Beating The Clock

Walking down the halls, hearing the sounds coming from the different rooms, surrounded by education, people eager to learn.

Advanced Calculus in room 216B, Intro to Biology in room 214C.

Occasionally I glance into a room through a somewhat open door and can only see faces. People of all different ages, races, ethnic backgrounds, males and females, some smiles, some frowns, some with a completely dazed and confused look on their face.

How do you describe a student? Is it a person who is young and happy? Old and depressed? Middle-aged and confused? Where do I fit in?

I am 25 years young. I've been in college since I was old enough to vote. My one claim to fame is the single PoliSci degree propped on a bookshelf -serving as a unique background to my favorite gingerbread candle.

While waiting for class to begin, I stop to take inventory of the faces in the room...no two people are at the same point in their lives. There's the 18 year-old 2nd semester freshman, 30 year-old LPN seeking to advance her career by obtaining an RN degree, the 45 year-old mother of 3 seeking a first time degree...and then there's the 25 year-old certified pharmacy technician/professional student---ME. And there is nothing wrong with that.

My circle of friends includes some Master's degrees, a few PhD's, a sprinkle of PharmD's, and the rest are equally split between Bachelor's degrees and no degrees at all. It took me a while to accept the fact that I am a professional student. For the longest time I felt like a failure; like there was an invisible clock ticking...ticking to an inevitable countdown that stopped exactly four years after entering college. I always felt inadequate. But looking around this classroom, I feel at home. I feel secure. The clock keeps ticking; however, I am under no pressure to finish by a certain deadline.

Sucess is not determined by how quickly you finish the marathon....sucess is finishing.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Today was supposed to be an awesome day at work. It was the last day the 3 amigas would work together since Cheryl is transferring to another state. I was happy to enjoy a day of pharmacy love.

Love was not there at all.

I'm a young supervisor; twenty-five to be exact. I have the pleasure of supervising people from every age group. I am okay with that. The problem that I have is disrespect. Common sense tells you not to smart off to your manager. But I obviously work with individuals who lack common sense. I refuse to be disrespected. When I decided to exercise my authority, I am faced with young technicians who want to give me hell for doing so. Maybe it was wrong to hang out with them outside of work...probably gave the impression that we're equals. News Flash: we aren't!

Tomorrow my staff will be introduced to a new Victori...they will respect me!

Divorcing Lust to Marry Love

i'm divorcing lust to marry love
leaving the superficial
seeking depth in this ocean
because this relation ship is in shallow waters
bodies intertwined in sand
can you call it love making
if no love is involved?
lets call it what it really is
lust making
this union was not brought together by God
therefore easily torn asunder
rings are made of precious metals and stones
signifying eternity
rings were not given at this ceremony
although the shape was similar
the material was disposable
waste
no anniversaries were celebrated
night after night
giving of myself
to receive nothing in return
lust making kept me satisfied
but i still felt empty
how could i celebrate an anniversary?
i didn't want to count the days
weeks, months,
years that i was stuck in this empty pit
my marriage to lust must come to an end
i'm looking for love
not on myspace
but someone to share my space
i'll be free to love
i want to hold love's hand
feel his love
i want to look into his face
see his love
i want to cuddle in his warm embrace
touch his love
lust was nothing
how can you get something from nothing?
its a mathematical impossibility
seeking completion from a fragment
seeking confirmation from a guess
unable to calculate his next move
would he move on to another?
what was keeping lust with me?
i'm divorcing lust to marry love
leaving the unstable
for stability
leaving the war
for peace of mind
leaving the shallow waters
to sail my relation ship in the ocean

Untitled-1

impossible to get over you
reminded of you by everything i see
the sun reminds me of your smile
the moon takes me back to our first date
walking along the river dreaming like lovers do
your eyes are like the ocean-
perfect shade of blue
seeing the effect fall has on the leaves
makes me think of the change you brought about in me
colorful, positive and beautiful
standing in the rain
like that hot august night
feeling the raindrops against my skin
your arms enveloping me
enjoying a first kiss that can never be replaced
feeling your body close to mine
{i exhale}
love
dreaming of you
waking up to see you're not there
walking past "our" spot
missing you more
hearing your favorite song
leads me to feel regret
regretting that i ruined
what could possibly be the best thing
that ever happened to me
your hand on my face
looking deeply into my eyes
saying goodbye with a forehead kiss
so simple
so sweet
our hands release
this is goodbye,
but is it the end?

FANTASIZE

laying in a field
looking at the pink blue skies
he stops to fantasize
about my eyes
the love we made
he starts to rise
love in his eyes
feeling all lows and highs
unwillingly my body complies
oooh the tears i cried
between us all truths
absolutely no lies
love felt love realized
life... romanticized
only sounds heard
are my content sighs
and his echoed replies
now i'm breathing
and he's breathing
and i'm immobilized
by the passion felt between my thighs
now i realize
as the temperatures rise
this lovemaking
words can not describe.
the elation i feel
i can not disguise
now in the end
we must compromise
"ahhh baby wait" he says
as if to chastise
this love will soon
see its demise
so a plan i devise
to keep this moment alive
but when i open my eyes
i realize
that the entire night
was fantasized.