Soul Mate

Given a chance I can make you smile
make you forget that you don't belong to me.

I received a call from my first true love today. I had a dream about him a few weeks ago, which is usually a sign that something is going on in his life. He told me that he proposed to his girlfriend on April 17...at 3pm. The girlfriend that he started dating a few months after we broke up 6 years ago. The girlfriend that he struggled with the first couple of years they were together because he couldn't choose between the two of us. The girlfriend that told him to stop talking to me, yet he continues to do so. The girlfriend that competed with me for the past 6 years. My gift to the happy couple will be a white flag.

A few years ago, my ex asked me how I felt about soul mates. We had a 4 hour discussion on the subject. He believed that someone could be your soul mate but you didn't have to be in a romantic relationship with them. To him, a soul mate is someone you can't live without. It was at that moment he confessed that I was his soul mate. So to you, fiance, I offer a white flag. You may have won his heart, but he'll always be my soul mate.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Sometimes I really hate the fact that I was born a female. We are such emotional creatures. It doesn't take a large stimulus to turn our world upside down. One minute we are happy go lucky, smiling from ear to ear, walking with a bounce in our step, then here comes the smallest, most insignificant thing to come and knock us into a deep depression.

I should have known that I would eventually get hurt. Not by him, no he is perfect. He could never do anything wrong. He tells me that I am beautiful, warns me not to let "those punks" (including him) hurt me. He tells me to remember that I am beautiful. He makes me laugh. He encourages me and doesn't even realize it. He makes me laugh when my whole world is tumbling down. He is perfectly awesome despite the troubles that he is going through. He is a strong, wise, handsomely sexy man. Given the opportunity, I'd definitely take it there. And love every minute in that paradise...hmmm.

{Snap back to reality} The reality that hit me (mentally, physically, and emotionally) was the reality that I still don't love myself enough to enter into any kind of relationship. I have so much love in my heart for others, that often times I forget to reach out and love myself. Someone twittered a statement about love today. I can't remember it verbatim, but the point of it was to learn to love yourself, have a relationship with yourself, because it will be your longest relationship. I can't expect a guy to look at me and see someone who is ready for love. I'm super confident, witty, intelligent, and strong. But I am lacking a certain happiness that comes from loving who you are. I know that I am not perfect; I never claimed to be any where near perfection. I just want to be perfect in his eyes.

The "his" that I am speaking of is any man that seeks to build a relationship with me. Love is not about making the imperfect person perfect, its about making the imperfect person perfect in your eyes. While watching the words come across the screen, reality hit me again and I realized despite his circumstances and situations, he was genuinely happy. He took what was definitely certified crap and turned it into top shelf merchandise. As a Public Relations specialist, I should know about marketing a product. When you put a new item on the market, you don't send it out with torn labels and dusty packaging. You pull out the new, bright, energetic labels and send it out in the biggest and best packages. If I were the package, how would I be perceived? Bitter and fake? Would I be in shambles because of the hurt cause from lovers long ago? Would I allow the pain that I carried with me to ruin my marketability?

As I look back over the conversation that took place tonight, I can't help but wonder how he did it. How was he able to see the good in me that I couldn't see? How could he see the beauty in me that I didn't even know existed outside of my narcissistic mirror? When would I ever allow myself to be truly happy? When would I allow myself to experience life? When would I finally get off of this emotional roller coaster?

Mistaken Smiles

Everyone makes mistakes. No matter how small or insignificant, a mistake is still a mistake. Maybe it was caused by a lapse in judgment...maybe from sleep deprivation. The cause doesn't negate the fact that a mistake occurred. I know this fact all too well.

I stopped in to a little pub for an early dinner. I sat at a booth across from a random stranger. That's kind of redundant, huh? After ordering water with limes and an "age 21" lemonade, I glanced at the stranger. Noticing that he dined alone, I felt the urge to invite him over to enjoy my company. I decided against that. I dined on a simple meal of chicken fingers, fries, and a wicked honey mustard/bbq sauce combination. Intrigued by the stranger's eyes and infectious laughter, the meal would remain untouched. I had to know this person. I had to meet him. His eyes were the subtle color of perfection. His laughter was welcoming and comforting, much like feeling of home. His passion for life was reflected in his voice. He was truly excited and happy to just live for the moment. The simplicity of life...

It was impossible to be in a bad mood with him around. The frown that I was wore turned into a smile no matter how hard I tried to fight it. This was only the beginning.

Fast forward a few weeks. Constant conversation via the social networks that plague this generation. I was looking for physical contact. An outing is what must take place. A simple restaurant in a simple town would become the site of a great mistake.

We laughed, talked, laughed some more. The evening was great from the word "hello". I couldn't help but smile. I was good at hiding my true feelings behind a wall of sarcasm. He could see past that. He looked beyond my nervousness and saw the me that I was trying so desperately to hide. I am not good at keeping secrets so I had to confess. Confess my true feelings...how I felt the first time I looked into his eyes that were the subtle color of perfection. The night ended with a walk and a hug. The perfect end to a perfect night. Was he as intrigued as I was? Did he yearn for another date, or was I alone in that feeling.

Weeks later, communication is still going strong. Still hanging out on the social networks. We sent random texts telling tales of going out again. Smileys would be the highlight of every piece of correspondence. A simple smile to end a sentence...a wink to hint at the flirtation of the previous statement...a huge smile to convey the happiness of this situation. LOL'ing more and more everyday.

Prior to outing number 1, everything was laid out on the table. The brutal honesty of his situation was too much too handle, yet I took it all with a smile on my face. My situation wasn't much better. The only difference between the 2 of us-I couldn't hide my true feelings. When I fall, its always quick and hard. No warning, no time to prepare. It just happens.

I always speak first and think later. I am notorious for "drunk texting". I found myself purposely getting intoxicated so that I could tell him what I was really thinking. Every statement had the disclaimer, "I may be tipsy so I can't be held responsible for what I say." I wonder if it worked. I wonder if he bought it. I've been told by many people that I am completely transparent. How is it possible to enjoy someone's company so much that it consumes your thoughts all day and night. No matter how much I tried to forget about him, I couldn't. He was someone that I could grow to have an awesome friendship with. Yep, that is all I was looking for. Just a friendship...nothing more. The simplicity of friendship...the simplicity of a walk along the promenade...the simplicity of a hug.

Mistake number one eventually led to mistakes two and three. I came across a gift that had his name written all over it. I had to buy it; I mean, his birthday was coming up and I do love buying birthday presents for people. Then there was the invite to a group event constructed to include all of my closest friends. Luckily, I had an emergency to come up and he had prior engagements. When did I turn into that girl? The hopeless romantic who believed that a great friendship was the solid foundation upon which a relationship was built upon. The girl who looked was optimistic that things would be happily ever after. The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, loosely pinned to a pink cardigan. It fell so many times before that she no longer felt the hurt anymore. She was numb to the harshness of reality. The girl who prayed for answers and when she got them she was still afraid to pursue whatever it was. The girl who always looked for possibilities, yet she didn't think she fully deserved them. Was that the girl I had become, or maybe it is who I was all along.

As I look at the gifts all wrapped in their "this gift is from one friend to another with no romantic ties" wrapping paper, I can't help but wonder if his excitement about our friendship is genuine. To think, this entire situation started because of mistaken smiles.

Heteromosexual

I've often been told that I can't give advice to my married friends because I've never been married. I can't offer any tips to those with children because I've never had any of my own. I wouldn't know what it's like for a homosexual person in America because I'm hetero. These statements often hurt more because they come from people I love and trust.

My fears of hearing these statements again caused me to remain silent during the Miss California scandal. The madness has continued far too long. I must share my opinion with the world (or just the few readers of my blog). If you don't like what I have to say, fine. Deal with it. Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion. I welcome your comments on the situation as well, as long as they aren't offensive.

Gay marriage is the same as heterosexual marriage, in my opinion. I believe that the fight for Gay and Lesbian rights is similar to the fight for civil rights. Miss California is entitled to her feelings. Perez Hilton is entitled to his as well. It seems that because Miss CA didn't agree with Perez (and others) that she was punished. Bloggers everywhere are treating Miss CA as if she committed some kind of mortal sin. She stood boldly and stated her true feelings. Would you rather she lied? And the answer to that is an astounding "hell yes". Here in America, if someone's beliefs aren't the same as ours, we shun them. We tell them they are wrong and point out every little perceived "error" in their beliefs. But we don't stop there. We also tell them why "our beliefs" are correct and why they should drop their beliefs and pick up ours.

This is wrong on so many different levels. If anything, Miss CA should be punished for her inability to answer a question without sounding like a beauty queen (oh wait, she is!).

I love everyone. I want everyone to feel love, experience love, live love. I want homosexuals to have the right to marry, adopt kids, be covered on spouses' insurance, have the same rights as heterosexuals...but most of all, I want homosexuals to be treated as humans. We are all people. We are all capable of loving someone, yet we choose hate instead. Choose love.

I may be heterosexual, but I wear my rainbow proudly.

Allow Me To ReIntroduce Myself...

I am learning more about myself through social media. Tomorrow is my first day at my new marketing/PR job. I have learned so much from my new friends on Twitter and YouTube. Marketing and Public Relations is all about product placement. Right now, I am the product. Rayven Victori is a brand in and of itself. For the past few years, I was placing myself in the wrong situations, environments, and around the wrong people. People who weren't here for me; some wanted to use me others wanted to abuse me. I am ready to put Rayven Victori right where she belongs...

Have you ever stopped to think about how much effort you but into your number one brand? Have you ever wondered why you were attracting the wrong mates? friends? lovers? Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered if the outside world could see the awesomeness that you see?

The past week has taught me a lot about myself. I learned how to spot real friends from the fakes...dependable mates from the losers...passionate lovers from the lames. Most importantly, I learned how to trust myself. Most of the time, you know when you make a bad decision. You don't need anyone to tap you on the shoulder just to say, "Hey idiot! That was a bad idea." You only need to listen and trust yourself.

I lied to myself so much that I thought it was the truth. I thought I needed her as a friend. I thought I needed him as a mate. I thought I couldn't sleep without him there to cuddle me. Those were all lies. And the biggest lie of all was the belief that I could never find another job. I had to stop lying to myself in order to find out what I was truly in search of. I had to trust myself to make the right decision. Leaving a job is much like leaving a spouse. There is pain, fear, insecurities, anger, and regret. But at some point in life you have to be bold and fearless and realize that you are you're greatest asset. Stand tall and feel secure in your own skin.

Please allow me to reintroduce myself...
Rayven Victori, number one brand

Incomplete

I have a better relationship with my nail technician and waxer than I do with the new guy(you know, the one that gives me butterflies). I see Su Jeong (also known as "Sonya") on a weekly basis, sometimes twice weekly. I don't have the pleasure of seeing Mr.Wonderful that often. Sonya and I talk several times during the course of a week. Mr.Wonderful has such a busy and hectic schedule that I'm lucky if I get one text per day.

I feel like my life is incomplete for some reason. I don't have to have a relationship, I just seek the attention of the guys who are reluctant to give it. I am a glutton for pain and torture. I have great guys all around me who shower me with love on a daily basis, but I still feel incomplete if I don't have "that" guy. Am I spoiled? Needy? Confused? Hell yes, hell no, maybe (respectively).

Some people say that relationships mirror friendships. If you suck as a friend, more than likely you'll suck as a girlfriend/boyfriend. If that is true, then I should be one heck of a girlfriend. I love my true friends to death. I'd do any and everything for them. But I am so unlucky in relationships. Even when I'm in one, I still feel incomplete.

It Is Not About You

Everything doesn't always have to be about you.

When I come home full of anger, don't assume it is because of something you did or said. Life is complex...more complex than our little "love game" that we play.

I'm not fighting for your attention, so why are you fighting for mine?

If I wake from a bad dream in a cold sweat, why do you think my nightmare involved you? I don't eat, sleep, breathe, and think of only you.

The moments I think of you are the moments you aren't here. It is all about you when I am given a chance to miss you...to miss your embrace, your smile, your scent. It is not all about you right now because you are suffocating me. Give me a chance to need you, to want you, to yearn for you.

Let me breathe....let me be. Sometimes it is about me.

Happy Easter?

I am not against celebrating Easter. I am not against Easter bunnies, baskets, hunts for pastel-colored eggs. No, I'm not against any of that.

I am, however, against you forcing your religious views upon me. I believe what I believe, but have never, ever made you feel inadequate or incorrect in your beliefs. Please give me that same level of respect.

Please refrain from behaving as if you are "holier than thou" on Good Friday and Easter Sunday, but being your "less than perfect" regular self on the Saturday that falls in between.

Happy Easter dear friend, I'm looking forward to seeing who you are tomorrow.

Eternally Afraid Of What's Real

I might as well be dating my laptop
because my fingers have felt it's keys
more than they have felt a man.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real

I can't remember what a hug feels like
but can tell you everything that happened on
Making the Band 4 last night.
Unable to handle being told I'm pretty
so used to telling myself that in the mirror
therefore no reaction needed.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

A typical phone conversation is foreign soil for my mind
incapable of wrapping my brain around the concept
so used to instant messenger
that it is all I know
he says a funny joke and I verbally respond with
"LMAO"
while drawing a smiley in my head.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

We walk along the promenade
unsure of where to look or
what to say
So accustomed to choosing an avatar to match my backround
that when he says the light from the moon
hits my face just right
the walk went from color to an area of shady gray
Holding hands creates undue anxiety
yet I can close my eyes and navigate my web page with blindly.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

Receiving flowers and gifts causes confusion,
"thank you, they are so...tangible"
is my conclusion.
ecards and web gifts were commonplace in my inbox
refusing to adjust, the tangible gifts often found a home
out of sight, as to not ruin my technological decor
or put me into shock.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

The thought of performing for him gave me thoughts of suicide
yet performing weekly for thousands of viewers via webcam
was common nature for me.
Holding the mic, my knees start to tremble
unable to form a thought or make a sound
forced to close my eyes and picture my
studio with the green screen behind me
imagining that this is just my YouTube family
instead of claps and cheers I only see view counts and
comments saying "we love you bre"
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

Tuesday Is The New Monday!

A nutritional supplement company conducted a survey which stated that workers can pinpoint the most stressful time of the week: Tuesday at 11:45am. Supposedly, workers use Mondays to "cruise Facebook and read the weekend gossip". That statement was rather bothersome for me, maybe because that is exactly how I spend my Monday mornings. Who'd a thunk it?

I would have to agree that Tuesdays are especially stressful for me. Not only do I have an 8am class, but I have to work as well. And it seems the pharmacy is always slammed on Tuesdays. What the hell, man? What happened to the good old days when Mondays were the most hated day of the week? I now look forward to Wednesdays for their utter mundane-ness; an opportunity to relax after a busy Tuesday and plan the rest of my week.

As I look over to the clock, I can't help but notice that it is 3:15am and instead of dreaming in my comfy bed, I'm blogging, cleaning, doing laundry, and stressing about my "non-date" date in 15 hours (not that I'm counting down or anything). Oh the punishment we put our bodies through...

I digress, as most of your Tuesdays have come to an end, keep this in mind: If Tuesdays are the new Mondays, then that makes the weekend Friday-Monday! Enjoy!

It's Not A Date...

I am so super giddy & excited about my "outing" on Wednesday. I don't want to call it a date, because I hate that word with a passion. I am having dinner with Mr.Wonderful. He is the epitome of all things wholesome. This will serve as the foundation for a great, lasting friendship.

But if I am just looking for friendship and this is not a date, then why do I have these butterflies? I want everything to be perfect, but I am perfectly imperfect.

Females, why do we do this? Why do we stress over things instead of letting them be..."Que sera sera...whatever will be, will be."

Mom Hosts Vodka Chugging Party for Teens

People should have to pass a test before they procreate. How does this make you feel??

Embedded video from CNN Video

You Don't Have To Be Hot, Just Make Me Laugh

A recent Northumbria University study concluded that women are more likely to be attracted to men who have a good sense of humor. They didn't need to do a study to conclude that, just look around at some of the great comedians who aren't super attractive, but seemed to capture super hot girlfriends and wives. I have always been attracted to the funny guys. If a guy can make me laugh, then he is okay with me.

The study stated that women associate a good sense of humor with being intelligent, which supposedly leads to him being a better mate. I'm not sure if I would take it that far, but the truth is women love funny men. There is no need for further analysis or studies. Make us laugh and we'll go out with you. Keep us laughing and we're yours forever!

Learning to Want

This is a transcript of a speech that means a lot to me. Sometimes we just have to put fear aside and learn how to want.

Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything.

I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure.

But now I find that I can't stop wanting.

I want to fly somewhere in first class.

I want to travel to Europe on a business trip.

I want to get invited to the White House.

I want to learn about the world.

I want to surprise myself.

I want to be important.

I want to be the best person that I can be.

I want to define myself instead of having others define me.

I want to win, and have people be happy for me,

I want to lose and get over it.

I want to not be afraid of the unknown.

I want to grow up to be generous and big hearted, the way that people have been with me.

I want an interesting and surprising life.

It's not that I think I'm going to get all of these things,

I just want the possibility of getting them.

College represents possibility.

The possibility that things are going to change.

I can't wait..
~Tyra from Friday Night Lights

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

Life is what happens when you stop trying to control it.

I spent the last couple of days re-reading my last blog post and realizing how quickly things can go from bad to great. I am in a good place right now. Everything has done a complete 180. I am so happy with these positive changes.

I am always online on my phone, either updating Twitter or Facebook, or searching for randomness on Google mobile. My manager/friend/spiritual adviser noticed this. He offered me a wonderful "pro bono" job with his youth ministry. I will have the opportunity to be the webmaster for his youth ministry. I am basically the PR person. I am so excited. Recently I've become fascinated with marketing and public relations, and wasn't really sure how to get into the field, especially with my nursing and pharmacy tech schedules. I wanted to do PR on the side in what little free time I have. I don't want to do it for the money, but just for fun. I will soon become the webmaster and incorporate pod casts, Twitter alerts, Facebook groups, and maybe even a weekly blog showing the notes for the sermon. I am excited to begin this journey, and can't wait to see where this amazing opportunity leads me.

I have also removed all of the bad seeds from my life. I have surrounded myself with loving, honest, sincere friends. I am enjoying every minute that we are able to spend together. It is wonderful to be around peopole who aren't using me or taking my friendship for granted. True friends are hard to come by, and I plan to hold on the the ones I have.

I want to send a special "shout out" to MaddSketch, who is by far the most precious person I've NEVER met! LoL! Madd you are a sweetheart and if you're ever in my neck of the woods, call me! You are oozing with talent. I am glad that you stumbled into my life, and I pray you never leave. If you ever need anything, you know I am here for you! Your talent amazes me!!!

My job couldn't be better right now. I am increasing our sales, finding new patients, and increasing patient retention. All by learning how to separate work from life. I leave my life at the time clock, and pick it up on the way out. I stopped taking work home with me, allowing it to consume my life. When you have a true separation of life and work, things seem to flow a little smoother, run a little faster, and smiles tend to linger a little longer.

Ahhh, life is better than great, its supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!

XOXO