Emotional Rollercoaster

Sometimes I really hate the fact that I was born a female. We are such emotional creatures. It doesn't take a large stimulus to turn our world upside down. One minute we are happy go lucky, smiling from ear to ear, walking with a bounce in our step, then here comes the smallest, most insignificant thing to come and knock us into a deep depression.

I should have known that I would eventually get hurt. Not by him, no he is perfect. He could never do anything wrong. He tells me that I am beautiful, warns me not to let "those punks" (including him) hurt me. He tells me to remember that I am beautiful. He makes me laugh. He encourages me and doesn't even realize it. He makes me laugh when my whole world is tumbling down. He is perfectly awesome despite the troubles that he is going through. He is a strong, wise, handsomely sexy man. Given the opportunity, I'd definitely take it there. And love every minute in that paradise...hmmm.

{Snap back to reality} The reality that hit me (mentally, physically, and emotionally) was the reality that I still don't love myself enough to enter into any kind of relationship. I have so much love in my heart for others, that often times I forget to reach out and love myself. Someone twittered a statement about love today. I can't remember it verbatim, but the point of it was to learn to love yourself, have a relationship with yourself, because it will be your longest relationship. I can't expect a guy to look at me and see someone who is ready for love. I'm super confident, witty, intelligent, and strong. But I am lacking a certain happiness that comes from loving who you are. I know that I am not perfect; I never claimed to be any where near perfection. I just want to be perfect in his eyes.

The "his" that I am speaking of is any man that seeks to build a relationship with me. Love is not about making the imperfect person perfect, its about making the imperfect person perfect in your eyes. While watching the words come across the screen, reality hit me again and I realized despite his circumstances and situations, he was genuinely happy. He took what was definitely certified crap and turned it into top shelf merchandise. As a Public Relations specialist, I should know about marketing a product. When you put a new item on the market, you don't send it out with torn labels and dusty packaging. You pull out the new, bright, energetic labels and send it out in the biggest and best packages. If I were the package, how would I be perceived? Bitter and fake? Would I be in shambles because of the hurt cause from lovers long ago? Would I allow the pain that I carried with me to ruin my marketability?

As I look back over the conversation that took place tonight, I can't help but wonder how he did it. How was he able to see the good in me that I couldn't see? How could he see the beauty in me that I didn't even know existed outside of my narcissistic mirror? When would I ever allow myself to be truly happy? When would I allow myself to experience life? When would I finally get off of this emotional roller coaster?