Mistaken Smiles

Everyone makes mistakes. No matter how small or insignificant, a mistake is still a mistake. Maybe it was caused by a lapse in judgment...maybe from sleep deprivation. The cause doesn't negate the fact that a mistake occurred. I know this fact all too well.

I stopped in to a little pub for an early dinner. I sat at a booth across from a random stranger. That's kind of redundant, huh? After ordering water with limes and an "age 21" lemonade, I glanced at the stranger. Noticing that he dined alone, I felt the urge to invite him over to enjoy my company. I decided against that. I dined on a simple meal of chicken fingers, fries, and a wicked honey mustard/bbq sauce combination. Intrigued by the stranger's eyes and infectious laughter, the meal would remain untouched. I had to know this person. I had to meet him. His eyes were the subtle color of perfection. His laughter was welcoming and comforting, much like feeling of home. His passion for life was reflected in his voice. He was truly excited and happy to just live for the moment. The simplicity of life...

It was impossible to be in a bad mood with him around. The frown that I was wore turned into a smile no matter how hard I tried to fight it. This was only the beginning.

Fast forward a few weeks. Constant conversation via the social networks that plague this generation. I was looking for physical contact. An outing is what must take place. A simple restaurant in a simple town would become the site of a great mistake.

We laughed, talked, laughed some more. The evening was great from the word "hello". I couldn't help but smile. I was good at hiding my true feelings behind a wall of sarcasm. He could see past that. He looked beyond my nervousness and saw the me that I was trying so desperately to hide. I am not good at keeping secrets so I had to confess. Confess my true feelings...how I felt the first time I looked into his eyes that were the subtle color of perfection. The night ended with a walk and a hug. The perfect end to a perfect night. Was he as intrigued as I was? Did he yearn for another date, or was I alone in that feeling.

Weeks later, communication is still going strong. Still hanging out on the social networks. We sent random texts telling tales of going out again. Smileys would be the highlight of every piece of correspondence. A simple smile to end a sentence...a wink to hint at the flirtation of the previous statement...a huge smile to convey the happiness of this situation. LOL'ing more and more everyday.

Prior to outing number 1, everything was laid out on the table. The brutal honesty of his situation was too much too handle, yet I took it all with a smile on my face. My situation wasn't much better. The only difference between the 2 of us-I couldn't hide my true feelings. When I fall, its always quick and hard. No warning, no time to prepare. It just happens.

I always speak first and think later. I am notorious for "drunk texting". I found myself purposely getting intoxicated so that I could tell him what I was really thinking. Every statement had the disclaimer, "I may be tipsy so I can't be held responsible for what I say." I wonder if it worked. I wonder if he bought it. I've been told by many people that I am completely transparent. How is it possible to enjoy someone's company so much that it consumes your thoughts all day and night. No matter how much I tried to forget about him, I couldn't. He was someone that I could grow to have an awesome friendship with. Yep, that is all I was looking for. Just a friendship...nothing more. The simplicity of friendship...the simplicity of a walk along the promenade...the simplicity of a hug.

Mistake number one eventually led to mistakes two and three. I came across a gift that had his name written all over it. I had to buy it; I mean, his birthday was coming up and I do love buying birthday presents for people. Then there was the invite to a group event constructed to include all of my closest friends. Luckily, I had an emergency to come up and he had prior engagements. When did I turn into that girl? The hopeless romantic who believed that a great friendship was the solid foundation upon which a relationship was built upon. The girl who looked was optimistic that things would be happily ever after. The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, loosely pinned to a pink cardigan. It fell so many times before that she no longer felt the hurt anymore. She was numb to the harshness of reality. The girl who prayed for answers and when she got them she was still afraid to pursue whatever it was. The girl who always looked for possibilities, yet she didn't think she fully deserved them. Was that the girl I had become, or maybe it is who I was all along.

As I look at the gifts all wrapped in their "this gift is from one friend to another with no romantic ties" wrapping paper, I can't help but wonder if his excitement about our friendship is genuine. To think, this entire situation started because of mistaken smiles.