Eternally Afraid Of What's Real

I might as well be dating my laptop
because my fingers have felt it's keys
more than they have felt a man.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real

I can't remember what a hug feels like
but can tell you everything that happened on
Making the Band 4 last night.
Unable to handle being told I'm pretty
so used to telling myself that in the mirror
therefore no reaction needed.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

A typical phone conversation is foreign soil for my mind
incapable of wrapping my brain around the concept
so used to instant messenger
that it is all I know
he says a funny joke and I verbally respond with
"LMAO"
while drawing a smiley in my head.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

We walk along the promenade
unsure of where to look or
what to say
So accustomed to choosing an avatar to match my backround
that when he says the light from the moon
hits my face just right
the walk went from color to an area of shady gray
Holding hands creates undue anxiety
yet I can close my eyes and navigate my web page with blindly.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

Receiving flowers and gifts causes confusion,
"thank you, they are so...tangible"
is my conclusion.
ecards and web gifts were commonplace in my inbox
refusing to adjust, the tangible gifts often found a home
out of sight, as to not ruin my technological decor
or put me into shock.
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.

The thought of performing for him gave me thoughts of suicide
yet performing weekly for thousands of viewers via webcam
was common nature for me.
Holding the mic, my knees start to tremble
unable to form a thought or make a sound
forced to close my eyes and picture my
studio with the green screen behind me
imagining that this is just my YouTube family
instead of claps and cheers I only see view counts and
comments saying "we love you bre"
You see I am eternally afraid of what's real.